Seeker In The Field
by Aconitum
Summary: Draco talks about his relationship with Harry. I've rated it PG-13 for now, as I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this as of yet.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to these characters. You sue, I'll hunt you down and serenade to you "Sk8ter Boi" from beneath your bedroom window. That's both a promise and a threat.

**A/N:** For those of you who are famillar with the novel Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, I would like to point out that I got the main idea for this fic from that particular story. For those of you who have not read that book, I seriously recommend it to you. It is not a long read, and it is well worth the time. I thought it was a cool perspective to make the main character seem like he's talking to the reader when really he's talking to a psychologist about the point in his life that may have caused his nervous breakdown. So, sorry if this ruins the book for you or whatever, I just thought I should point that out.

Aside from that, enjoy it, and if you don't... too bad.

My most recent relationship? Ha; should have figured you would have asked about that seeing as that's what led me to my current state. Not as easily explained as one may think. First you should know that I dated a man for nearly 7 years. We weren't always like that obviously. He was Harry Potter: The-Boy-Who-Lived; the wizarding world's savior! Our hero couldn't be a homosexual. And here I was: Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy. His only son and heir couldn't possibly like men. Everyone, dismissed the thought and actions as "just a phase". Hell, we were 17 when it all happened. Half of it was just experimenting and the other well.. done with feeling. Years passed, and we were still holding onto each other. It wasn't a phase any longer if it was that. We lived together, slept together, held hands, kissed, any and everything, we did it together. We were a couple. Best years of my life were with him. Heh. I guess I should start it off from the very beginning.

For the first six years of Hogwarts, Harry Potter and I were never friends. An attempt made by yours truly at the beginning of first year, but it failed. Having my offer rejected by someone whose fame exceeded my own ment that I would try with all my might to bring him down. Obssessing over it, every day, year after year. I can't begin to tell you the many times I wanted to stoop to muggle brutality and start pounding away at his face; give him another scar to flaunt. Physical contact seemed to be the only way that I could punish him in my mind and the only way I wanted it to be. I envied him with such a passion and such magnitude that you would have to experience to truly comprehend. He had friends, whereas I had two yes-men as body guards and a pug-faced thing shrieking everytime she saw me. No one of equal intelligence to talk to, or converse with. I stayed silent most of the times, unless I felt like exaggerating or showing off whatever expensive shit my parents, for some odd reason, decided would be of much use and send it to me. Well, naturally, when we were both in the same place, a fight would be prone to escape; whether it be verbal or magically, it would affect us more than we would or will ever care to admit. I'll admit sometimes I stayed up full nights just thinking about some of the things that would come out of Harry's mouth and towards me with such venom. Even before, during and after our relationship these fights broke out.. Things that he would whisper to Ron when my back was turned when he thought I couldn't hear him. Now that I think about it, I doubt he cared.

I don't remember how it happened exactly. I think it was our final train ride there to Hogwarts that may have opened the door for our future together. But i'm not exactly sure. I don't remember much about that summer, as I rarely do remember anything about any of my school year summers. Maybe it was something that happened to me during that time span. I wouldn't know, since I don't remember. I woke up early September 1st and walked all the way to Kings Cross to clear my head. I arrived at about 10 o'clock. A few people boarding for Hogwarts; mostly first and second years. Thankfully I didn't see anyone in my year, or worse, in my house; I wanted to be left alone for 10 minutes before anymore came and made more noise than necessary. I hate noise. I boarded, and found an empty booth at the very end of the train, careful not to let my face be seen, by either the people who were steadily starting to crowd around the train bidding their tearful goodbyes, and the people peeking their big noses into my window. My cloak was on, and despite the temperature, I pulled the hood well over my head to avoid recognition from fellow house-mates. I must have dozed off at some point, because the next minute, the train was moving and I could hear voices of such volume, it gave me a splitting headache. It might not have helped that I was suffering from a hangover as well. My head was turned towards and leaning against the window, somewhat, watching everything pass me by at such a speed when I heard the door open and people talking about Quidditch step in and sit down. I recognized the two of the voices immediatly as Harry's and Weasley's. I couldn't place the third person's voice. Their conversation slowly died and was directed towards me.. well me as in "the cloaked figure" me.

"Hermione... why'd you pick a booth with someone in it?"

"It was the only one free Ron. Unless you want to sit with Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy, go right ahead."

"No thanks 'Mione. I wouldn't sit next to Draco and his cronies if my life depended on it."

"Draco wasn't in there.. it was just Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy." I heard Harry say

"What? Maybe he was expelled or maybe he quit. Wasn't any good in his classes anyway." Ron said hopefully.

I could feel Hermione rolling her eyes before answering Ron, and I smiled slightly.

"I somehow doubt that, Ron."

Their conversation drifted off to Quidditch again as I drifted off to sleep. It was an odd dream. It makes perfect sense now, but at the time I couldn't figure out it's meaning -if it had any- for the life of me. I didn't remember it all at once either, just certain things would remind me and I would remember small parts of it. Anyway, I'll get to that later. I woke up, I guess 'bout an hour later. I vaguely heard them whispering about waking me up to change into my school robes and then someone left. Finally, I heard someone sigh, lean over, shake me lightly and say "Hey, get up."turned over and looked up. It was Ron. Of all people to be sitting next to me, it had to be him. He didn't see my face all too clearly as my cloak hood was in the way. He said that the girls had just left to change in the bathroom and that we had better change quickly. Turning slightly, I saw that Neville was the other boy who was in the booth. I nodded and then remembered that I would have to change in front of them.

"Why don'tcha' take off that cloak; you must be sweating." he said politely, as if trying to start a conversation with me.

I ignored him, and reached for my trunk, trying to hide the things that might give me away. I was looking for my robes as I already had my uniform on. I found them, and just slipped it on under the cloak. I wasn't going to divulge who I was yet. I wanted to see if they spoke about me- as in Draco Malfoy me. I could feel and saw the stares that they all gave me when I got dressed and sat back down. Harry wouldn't stop staring at me. I continued to stare out the window and try to concentrate on something in my mind to think of. The only thing I could concentrate on, and steadily grow more and more paranoid about, was Harry staring at my back. His eyes were boring into me, like he knew it was me cloaked and staring out the window. I turned towards him and stared back.

"We will be arriving at Hogwarts in 10 minutes."

I saw Hermione and Ginny step back into the booth, all dressed in school robes. It was fairly quiet the rest of the ride there, not quiet enough for me to fall asleep again... but quieter than it had been. Once we got there, we all started to move out, leaving our things on the train. Harry was the last one out, and allowed me to go infront of him. At the time, he came up closer than I would have liked him to.

"Don't think that I don't know that it's you under that cloak Malfoy."

"Ah." I took my hood off. "Happy now?" I turned to face him.

"You better have a damned good excuse why you were spying on us."

Can you believe the nerve of him? _I_ was in the booth when he and his friends lumbered in. I laughed in his face when he told me this.

"_Spying_?! You really are that dense, aren't you? I was in that booth before you guys even stepped foot in there."

"Why didn't you make youself known then?" He took a step foward, nearly baring his teeth like a dog would.

"I don't need to make my presence known when I don't want to Potter. Especially to people like you and Weasley."

He slammed me up against the door so hard that the glass shattered and he held his wand to my throat.

"Malfoy, I'm in no mood for you bullshit this year. You so much as _breathe _the wrong way around my friends and I and I'll-"

"You'll what? Curse me? Hex me? Potter, I'm about as scared of you as I am of my shadow. You can't intimidate me."

"Just stop this bullshit and I won't have to resort to Malfoy-type brutality."

"Stop acting like you know what 'Malfoy-type brutality' is and I'll cut the so-called 'bullshit.'"

He let his wand down after a long stare. I thought long and hard about my next action and figured it was worth a try. I looked in his eyes and held out my hand.

"What are you doing?" He practically jumped backwards and stared at my hand like he had never seen one before.

"I'm doing what I did 6 years ago; I'm holding out my hand waiting for you to shake it. Instead of offering friendship this time.. I'm offerering a truce between us."

He gave me a look that clearly said he didn't trust me.

"Malfoy, you do realise that you were the one who kept this Potter-Malfoy rivarly going right? This would be resolving nothing."

He was right. I still kept my hand out though. I wanted anything; anything to maybe make him accept me, just a little.

"Then you won't mind shaking my hand. I'm calling a truce between us Harry."

I realized my mistake too late.

He averted his gaze for the first time that night and before he turned to walk away, he said in the most disgusted tone imaginable "You're not my friend Malfoy."

-----

After getting into a brief fight with the conducter, I made my way down to the castle just in time for the feast. I took my usual seat between Crabbe and Goyle and just stared at the food. I couldn't work up the appetite. Having my offer rejected by Harry hit me more than it had in first year; I watched as Goyle and Crabbe wolfed down their food, which after years of seeing, I had gotten used to this disgusting routine of theirs. All I wanted was Harry's friendship. I wanted to be his Ron. That was it. I just wanted a friend. After all these years of lonliness and I finally had found Potter - someone who needed and wanted a friend just as much as I did. I gave him a chance to be my friend, and just because Ron laughed at my name, gave him a just right to reject my offer. Was he really that easily influenced by someone as arrogant and closed minded as Ron? A boy he didn't even know? Maybe I didn't want to be his Ron. But I was damned envious of the both of them.

Now, I wouldn't have wished I was his Ron. I know better now. Ron was a prick, and they both knew it. I _was_ his Draco. Or to put it in better terms: I _was his_. But at that time, if I had the chance to just switch places with Ron for an hour, just an hour, I would have taken the oppourtunity imediatly. So many times that I contemplated using the Polyjuice Potion but didn't, as I wasn't nearly as advanced in making potions like that. I wasn't Hermione, and she wouldn't help me if her life depended on it. I was on my own in trying to get Harry to accept me. The answer was pretty obvious, to at least make him realise that I was serious in trying to get us to be friends. Of course, try to explain that to a 17 year old boy, or anything else for that matter.

Anyway, I was trying to think of new ways to solve our well known, and on going feud, in the midst of Crabbe and Goyle's belching contest. Getting more and more aggravated at their repulsive manner and increasingly upset about the situation I was currently facing, I threw my plate across the table at Pansy, got up and left. I half walked, half ran to the door. I heard the room grow quiet (well, as quiet as it could get with Pansy screaming) as I reached the door; I felt all the eyes of the faculty and student body on me. I didn't have the energy or the guts to turn around to face them. I opened up the door to the Great Hall and ran towards the dormitories. Once I finally got to the dungeon wall, I remembered I hadn't had the password.

I slumped down against the wall. I needed somewhere to go. Anywhere, just to get away from it all. I was just so tired. I needed a place to rest. I didn't want to think anymore; I just wanted to sleep. Sleep for days and not know what's going on. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.

That's all I remember about the first day of Seventh year; I don't remember going to my dorm, or anyone giving me the password. I just remember sitting against that stone wall. Heh, I can't even tell you how my first few weeks went 'cause they went by in such a blur. I can tell you that I did act friendlier to Harry. Confused the hell out of him too. It took me nearly a month to come up with this plan too. I mean, it was simple shit; holding the door open for him instead of slamming it in his face, saying hi to substitue for a nasty comment, and being quiet during classes instead of being the pompous jackass I normally was. I remember the first time I held the door for him, he looked like he was expecting something to come flying at him. He sort of took a karate pose to protect himself. I don't know, maybe you had to be there to appreciate it.

Anyway, that continued for a month; it was, I guess, around the middle of November before he actually confronted me about everything. It wasn't like it was on the train. Oh no. Went much better than the train did.

It was a little before dinner one night when I heard someone yell my name. I turned around to see Harry standing at the end of the corridor. I remember I was thinking "Merlin.. he said my name." He had said my actual name; not my surname. He called me Draco. You would not believe how happy I was for that. I think... I think I may have even smiled a little, though I remember trying hard to hide it and look devoid of any emotion trying to break through. I walked over to Harry. I'm assuming because I don't remember walking at all; it felt like I was being pulled towards him to tell you the truth.

"Malfoy.." Damn, I remember thinking, back to surnames.

"Malfoy, I don't know what sparked this sudden interest of yours in becoming my friend.. but I want to know what you're trying to get at here. I mean, 6 years of torment just doesn't end with a want for friendship."

I stared at him in disbelief.

"If you recall, it started with a want for friendship which explains the uh.. 'sudden interest'."

Silence. At that moment, he was searching for words. I had probably destroyed whatever speech for me he had planned on using beforehand.

"Why did you want to be my friend anyway?" He asked, truly confused.

I sighed. I remembered thinking what I was to say if ever put into this situation. I couldn't remember a damn thing. All those times, rehearsing what to say, and none of it coming back.

"We were alike; We were both looking for a person, maybe a friend, that we could confide in. Someone that we could finally trust with no doubts about their loyalty. I thought... I thought that maybe.. we could be that person to each other." I felt myself go red. I normaly don't express feelings for loyalty and companionship.

"You never made an attempt afterwards."

"Potter, you've _seen_ my father and what he's like. And although I love and respect him beyond recognition I can never be the carbon-copy son he always wanted me to be. I was never as arrogant and pompous as you thought I was; it's all a fucking act of what people expect and want me to do. I'm a fucking Slytherin, Potter; I trick people to make them believe what I want them to. Which bit of information surprises you? You can't be as dumb as you appear to be and must have some goddamn idea of what used to go on in my family life. All through this shit, all through this fucking inane shit, I didn't just want anyone as a friend... I wanted _you_ as my friend."

A ringing silence passed through us, in which he gave me a surveying stare; he looked like he had made his mind up about the next thing he was going to say.

I would have bet my life that the next thing out of his mouth was some crack about Crabbe and Goyle's friendship with me. It shocked the hell out of me what he said and did next.

Hesitantly, but surely, Harry extended his right arm and sighed:

"I'm willing, if you are."

I tell you, I look back on that moment, and even now and probably until the day I die, that feeling that I felt at the pit of my stomach will never leave. It was just, so... so surreal. This wasn't supposed to happen to me; I was supposed to be miserable and enjoy it.

Eagerly I extended my own hand until it came in contact with Harry's. I can't describe what feeling suddenly over-came me from such a simple handshake. I probably should have known then, or possibly come to terms with my sexuality, but I didn't. We were finally and officialy out of enemy status, and into a neutural zone. It was more than I could ask for.

"You know... Ron would kill us both if ever found out about.. us." I couldn't help but notice that he was suppressing a smile at the thought.

"Heh; don't make it sound like we're lovers, _Harry_."

"Haha. Alright... _Draco_."


End file.
